Yesterday was my one month anniversary of being single, again. After a relationship that spanned seven months of dating and a year of being friends. *sigh* Guess what? A month doesn't actually go all that far toward getting you over someone like that. I think this month has mainly served to make me get used to the idea of being single again.
You know something? I have a really bad attitude toward being single. This is my second time being dumped in a relationship I had given myself to completely and had set most of my hope on. Maybe it's just BYU, but I begin to feel like I'm no longer the shiny and new girl gleaming from the single-shelf. I feel like I'm in the back store of the single-thrift store, an already used, slightly worn product with threadbare edges. I won't be able to whisper "that's the first time I've ever said that to anyone" to the next person to whom I say "I love you." I could be on the brink of committing to marriage and not be able to smile with clear eyes and say, "I've never felt like this about anyone." "No one's ever known me/understood me as well as you do" is another phrase I've lost my verbal-virginity for. I can't even say, "nothing has ever hurt this badly" as I try to get over this, because it's the second time for even this. Not that that makes it easier, it just means I'm already familiar with and sick of the feeling. I know that my experiences actually make me more aware of what I want and
a better partner in a relationship. But they've also given me some pretty sweet
trust issues.
Additionally, I'm beginning to wonder about my odds--many people go their lifetimes and only find one person--if that--who understands them to the core and with whom they could happily spend every day. I've found two. So what are my odds of finding a third? What are my odds of finding a third anytime soon?
But anyway, besides feeling slightly like second-hand goods, my attitude toward being single is made even worse by the fact that I know how
good it feels to be with someone. I know what it feels like to have yourself come
alive through a relationship, until it feels like life is so much more worthwhile, so
much more vivd, so much better lived with someone. And so learning to be single again is like feeling my heart shrink four sizes and slough off skin. It's like a green tree that suddenly starts losing leaves.
So what can I do? Nothing. There's nothing I can do. Just lose my leaves, feel my sap retreat to my roots, wrap myself up in a cold blanket and wait for spring. However it long it takes.
