Doing the math

Just yesterday a friend told me I was heavily influenced by my emotions, and I readily agreed. It's undeniably true. Given that fact, it's odd that when I sit down to make important decisions in my life, I turn to a good old fashioned pro-con list. The funny thing is then anylizing which decisions have made the important-enough-to-get-a-list list. A sample of the decisions that have so merited over the last few years: Going on a vacation with my brother, teaching middle school, taking a vacation by myself to a town I'd never been to, breaking up with a boyfriend, telling my parents about something I would rather hide from them, going on a mission, etc. The thing that I'd like to point out here is that some of these are emotionally-based decisions that most people would make with their feelings. What did I do? I sat down and made complicated lists--occasionally with different colors of pens, or I think once with a rating system (really important pro, slight con, etc. )to add more accuracy, and sometimes going back to make notes on the items on the list or to scratch out items that cancel each other out. While other people are out taking walks in the woods to acertain how they really feel, I am expressing my feelings as columns on a list ("what I want to do" is a pro, as is "what I should do," but "would hurt like the dickens" is a definite con).

Today I revisited an old decision to not do something I had desparately wanted to do, it's not important for the purpose of this blog to know what it was, but some part of me still thought that maybe the math would work out differently this time. I made the list and checked it twice. It took up two pages, contained three different sub lists, each with its own set of pros and cons, and even had a few paragraphs of further miscellaneous factors at the end. I looked at it, I read it out loud to myself. To my dismay, the pros and cons were of almost equal number on every list. All of a sudden I found myself with dilemmas. For a decision of this magnitude, how margin of safety did I need? 50/50 wasn't a safe enough bet, I thought. Besides, if you're going to make an emotional pro/con list detailing all the benefits and risks and effects you'd end up with, you have to make sure that you can live with each and all of the cons. One good con can knock out the whole decision.

But in one way, making all of the lists this morning did help. Looking at the neatly balanced columns, each filled with things I wanted and things I feared of weighty or slight import, I felt very justified in being confused everything I thought about it. Since satisfaction in this matter is denied me, I'll say Hurrah! for a little validation!

On an unrelated note, I dreamed that with a random boy in my ward and my father I went to this crazy new age hot springs resort with very modern architecture, stayed too late, nearly passed out from fear of heights on a "delicate lacy arch" (which is code for a high suspended stone walkway full of artistic but gaping and treacherous holes) and was noticed by a suspicious-looking fellow in a black jacket who proceded to throw his knife at me until he finally managed to get it lodged in my sweater (luckily not lodged in me) and I called 911 and reported him. Then I dreamed I visited him randomly years later and he was getting an enthusiastic divorce and was doing research about where he had gotten the blade, named Yorrick, in the first place. It turns out it had ties to the Chinese mafia. He was just showing me pictures and profiles of the people involved when the dream shifted.

I guess my dream makes about as much sense as my lists. :)

Weird Dreams

I think I was married. I'm not entirely sure about that part. But I'm sure that I was pregnant. If I was married, the father/husband had left me, not knowing that he was going to be a father; in fact, I'm not sure he would have known we were married. Hey, it could happen. So really, he hadn't done anything that awful, since he thought he was just breaking up with a girlfriend, not leaving his wife and the mother of his children.

But anyway, back to me. My sister-in-law and one of my sisters was also pregnant. We were wandering around together doing pregnant things (doctor's appointments, etc.). I remember being scared because my baby was going to come early and I was worried that he/she wouldn't make it. I remember trying to think of what I would name him/her. I also remember thinking about how on earth I was going to phrase the email to my former boyfriend/husband: Come home, you've got to come back into my life, you're going to be a father. And I remember feeling the baby's heartbeat... wow.

At this point the dream slowly started to disintegrate, because, probably shocked into practicality by my motherhood- and birth-related fears, I began to try and remember facts. How far along was I? My dream self asked. This woke up the logic part of my dream, and it had access to real memories, which were then taken through the filter of the dream into even weirder logic and memories. Hmmmm... the logic half said, let's see. Well, you were pregnant before your wedding, so that's why it was such a hurried, hushed up affair and why he doesn't know about it. My dream self was shocked. The shock woke up the logic half even more and gave it freer access to facts. Still trying to figure out how far along I was, I asked, How long ago was my wedding? That will give me a rough estimate of when to expect this baby and when it will be safe to have. Dutifully the logic half mused, You know, I don't think you're married at all. I have no memory of your wedding. So must not be married, you're just pregnant.

At this point, I remember being more shocked and a little sad, but very grateful to my family, because they were supporting me and hadn't said a thing about it the whole dream. Dumbfounded, I simply stared and thought for a few moments, with my hand on my stomach, feeling the baby's heartbeat.

But my dream self, assuming the responsibilities of a single mother, was more curious and logical than she's ever been. I agree, I don't remember my wedding so I'm probably not married, I conceded, but then, by that same logic, neither do I remember how I could have become pregnant, so how do you explain that? The computer-esque logic half replied simply: you're not. The dream obediently shifted and I suddently wasn't pregnant, had never been pregnant, except that my logic half and I remembered being pregnant. My scared little dream self was relieved that I wouldn't be bringing a premature baby into the world without a father or a husband, but I still mourned and cried because I couldn't feel the baby's heartbeat anymore.

So that's what I just woke up from. Let's just say I'm still kind of reeling, weirded out, and confused by that one.