Weird Dreams

I think I was married. I'm not entirely sure about that part. But I'm sure that I was pregnant. If I was married, the father/husband had left me, not knowing that he was going to be a father; in fact, I'm not sure he would have known we were married. Hey, it could happen. So really, he hadn't done anything that awful, since he thought he was just breaking up with a girlfriend, not leaving his wife and the mother of his children.

But anyway, back to me. My sister-in-law and one of my sisters was also pregnant. We were wandering around together doing pregnant things (doctor's appointments, etc.). I remember being scared because my baby was going to come early and I was worried that he/she wouldn't make it. I remember trying to think of what I would name him/her. I also remember thinking about how on earth I was going to phrase the email to my former boyfriend/husband: Come home, you've got to come back into my life, you're going to be a father. And I remember feeling the baby's heartbeat... wow.

At this point the dream slowly started to disintegrate, because, probably shocked into practicality by my motherhood- and birth-related fears, I began to try and remember facts. How far along was I? My dream self asked. This woke up the logic part of my dream, and it had access to real memories, which were then taken through the filter of the dream into even weirder logic and memories. Hmmmm... the logic half said, let's see. Well, you were pregnant before your wedding, so that's why it was such a hurried, hushed up affair and why he doesn't know about it. My dream self was shocked. The shock woke up the logic half even more and gave it freer access to facts. Still trying to figure out how far along I was, I asked, How long ago was my wedding? That will give me a rough estimate of when to expect this baby and when it will be safe to have. Dutifully the logic half mused, You know, I don't think you're married at all. I have no memory of your wedding. So must not be married, you're just pregnant.

At this point, I remember being more shocked and a little sad, but very grateful to my family, because they were supporting me and hadn't said a thing about it the whole dream. Dumbfounded, I simply stared and thought for a few moments, with my hand on my stomach, feeling the baby's heartbeat.

But my dream self, assuming the responsibilities of a single mother, was more curious and logical than she's ever been. I agree, I don't remember my wedding so I'm probably not married, I conceded, but then, by that same logic, neither do I remember how I could have become pregnant, so how do you explain that? The computer-esque logic half replied simply: you're not. The dream obediently shifted and I suddently wasn't pregnant, had never been pregnant, except that my logic half and I remembered being pregnant. My scared little dream self was relieved that I wouldn't be bringing a premature baby into the world without a father or a husband, but I still mourned and cried because I couldn't feel the baby's heartbeat anymore.

So that's what I just woke up from. Let's just say I'm still kind of reeling, weirded out, and confused by that one.