A Dream Deferred

"A Dream Deferred"

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

--Langston Hughes

The long awaited email finally came. Amity Corp sent an email that nicely thanked me for my time and effort and told me that they will not be offering me a position. It's been less than a week since my interview; I guess they didn't need to think about it very long. I'm not really sure what happened. I know my interview didn't go spectacularly, but I am also rather overqualified for the position. I really really wanted to go back to Japan. It was the only teaching related thing that actually called out to me as something I wanted to do. And I was so proud of myself for being brave, being willing to strike out on my own, and for following my dreams. I felt so good about trying this, about giving it my all, that it's disheartening to have it simply disappear without even a fanfare for farewell--just a simple, silent email that I happened to see just as my last student headed out the door for the day.

I do have other options for going to Japan, but they would all include a major step backwards in my career and my usefulness. It looks like I will be here next year. And who knows? Maybe the year after that. Cancel all the excitement, all the premature good-byes, all the hopes.

But all is not lost, and I really have no right to complain. Just yesterday a small miracle happened. My principal informed me that, contrary to everyone's reliable information, there will be an English position open at my school next year. I love my school, and there are many real advantages to staying here. So I do have a plan, an option, and an opportunity. I'm still bummed, and I feel like I just got yanked back three months emotionally, when I had just resigned myself to staying in the country at least another year and hopefully planning on staying at my school. I was genuinely looking foward to it. Then my job fell through and I started searching for a dream to chase and found it in Japan. Then, yesterday I found out the that there will be a job to apply for afterall, and today that the dream I've been chasing for months isn't possible anyway.

I'm a little emotionally confused. I'm happy that I might get to stay, but crushed that I can't go. So, I think I'll eat some chocolate, read a book, pick the yearbook staff for next year, and maybe go for a bike ride. If the past while is any indication, what I want will have little effect on my actual options, so it's best to be happy. Assuming that my future doesn't suddenly reverse course again in the next while, I'm looking forward to next year...in Utah. That is, I will be after some ice cream and chocolate and just a dash of moping.