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I give myself a 7 for my execution of this tricky move. However, the score is mostly for my effort, since I still landed painfully on my knees and tripped over the bed, which would have been very unpleasant for L had he still been in it. Still, I think my score is fair, given the circumstances. I went from deep asleep to flying through the air in a matter of about two seconds. I would have landed better, too, had my legs not gotten tangled in the covers during my mid-air rotation.
It was about one thirty when I heard it, a definite and important sounding WHUMP! It was a new whump, not one of the usual ones that happen so frequently in our old house (the whump of the washer as it thumps the pipes the sheer force of it's sucking water through them, the whump of the furnace turning on, but only sometimes). This whump had a loud, percussive quality that sent my eyelids flying open in the dark. @#&! I thought. It must be the heat exchange on that 18-year-old furnace! It blew! I heard L say "uh-oh" and I began my execution of the Stationary Vault From Prone Position.
I threw the covers off and launched into the air simultaneously. The launch was necessary, because I needed to get the door and down the hall and to the living room to turn the heat off immediately, and there was simply no time to bother with walking all the way around the bed to the door. Despite being not fully conscious yet, I performed several important calculations about the trajectory of my Vault: First, we had rearranged the entire bedroom that day in preparation for a new bed to be delivered so I would need to jump not just to the floor by the bed, but over L to the far side where the door was. Second, the mattress was on the floor, so I only need to throw one leg out to the side to get enough leverage to launch myself toward the door. So up into the air I flew, rotating 90 degrees mid-air so I would land facing the door, thereby saving precious seconds that would keep our house from exploding (that's what happens when the heating exchange cracks, right?). So far so good. But this is when I tangled my legs in the covers and fell on my knees on our hard wood floor. I assumed I had just nearly belly-flopped on poor L, so I mumbled a hurried "Oh sorry!" as I got one leg under me and lunged forward at a sprint. Down the hall I charged, reaching the living room and flipping on the light switch to better see the thermostat.
The light flashed on, revealing L, not in our bed having just been pummeled by my flying heels, but groggily sitting up on the sofa. I paused in confusion. He must have had trouble falling asleep and decided to internet on the sofa and fallen asleep there (happens pretty often). What brought my dash to a halt was that he was reaching to recover his laptop computer that was lying upside down on the hardwood floor. It must have slid off his lap when he shifted in his sleep. Slid to the floor with a definite and important sounding WHUMP!
"Oh," I said, "That was you."
Then I went back to bed contemplating my own clumsy athletic prowess and my nearly successful Stationary Vault From a Prone Position. Maybe it can be in the Olympics someday. No doubt it has been performed by countless homeowners and parents over the decades who have heard some mysterious WHUMP! in their homes or from their children's bedrooms and found in necessary to launch into the airspace above their beds and hit the ground running. We should perfect it and get sponsors.
